I started seeing a therapist. Talking to someone untethered to our day-to-day stories is really freeing. She has helped me see there is a grey area in life, and that area is not a bad place to hang out. Sometimes, sure, we need hard-core stances on a topic. But mostly, we don’t. We can have set boundaries that have some wiggle room.
Another component to my recovery is the help of my naturopathic doctor and whole-food based supplements. My entire digestive and hormonal systems were completely out of whack, and these healing foods— no joke— regulated my internal health. So my doctor and I worked alongside my body to clean out the gunk and refuel it with energy. The bloating went away for the first time in years. People compliment the clarity of my skin on the reg. My cycle is consistent. All of the things I literally prayed to happen did happen.
As of today, I can say my relationship with food is leaps and bounds better than in the past, and I now see food through a more balanced lens.
So, my recovery. Food is still the main thought in a lot of ways, but the redeeming thing is that a) I now see food as fueling and healing and b) I can better manage my obsessive thoughts through prayer and mindfulness. I also am now able to practice patience with myself in knowing that I have a highly functioning body that can do remarkable things. Truly. That being said, food is still my thing. Yet I can acknowledge a thought and let it pass without getting hooked. That is mindfulness, I’ve learned, my friends. And thank goodness for it.
I am learning every day. I am learning what makes me laugh the hardest and the ideal time I should go to sleep at night. I am discovering that being vulnerable is scary but so very freeing because inviting people into my daily routine creates a bundle of safety around me like a big bear hug. I am understanding things really do work out well when we follow our paths. I am realizing being present is really the most important in that moment. All the while, I am learning I am enough and doing exactly what I need to be doing every day. And that is good and perfect.
Many people experience the kinds of thoughts I did, and I pray my story brings you hope. We have to accept that being vulnerable with people is such an important part to getting out of any hole into which we have fallen. Let people into your emotions and thoughts, so they can help direct you to the best option(s) for healing. Like I said, I am still living my story, which means ups and downs. At the end of the day, though, I am grateful for the body I have been given, and I desire to have as much fun and as many experiences with my body as I can!
If you are struggling with your relationship with food, please contact someone who can chat with you about it. Life is too short to be enslaved by these kinds of thoughts. You deserve freedom from that! And remember, you are enough and totally and completely loved.